Lieutenant Verhiz zecks bio

My new and improved bio what do you think compared to my old bio???  

New

Verhiz was born in the year 2347 he grew up in a small town in Germany. When he was 3 they moved to a new base in Germany were his father was killed 4 years later in a training accident. Shortly after that that he and his mother moved to France were he became good friends with a merchant Named Jaque but Verhiz called him Joe. Joe went in to space about 12 times a year to sell his goods to other merchants while Verhiz loaded other cargo shuttles, For 3 more years before Joe thought Verhiz was ready to pilot the cargo shuttle in to space. Verhiz got very good at it and became wealthy enough to buy 2 ships of his own. 4 years later Joe died from crashing in to a large federation ship. Verhiz took over the business and took his ships up in to space 2 more years before he joined Starfleet. He still serves today on Starbase 49 as a Security Officer/Weapons Specialist.

Old

Verhiz was born in the year 2347 he grew up in a small town in Germany. When he was 7 his Father died in a training accident. Shortly after that that he and his mother moved to France were he became good friends with a merchant. The merchant went in to space about 12 times a year to sell his goods to other merchants. When he was 11 the merchant took him into space for the first time he loved it so much he wanted to join Starfleet. When he was 12 he worked for the merchant and when the merchant died 4 years later he took over. He took his cargo shuttle in to space for 2 more years before he joined Starfleet. When he was 18 he was assigned to serve on Starbase 49 were he still serves today as a Security Officer/Weapons Specialist.